10th floor

I had a weird dream last night. I was scaling a 10-storey building. Yes, scaling... I know I could have just used the elevator, or even the stairs... but for some reason, I chose to scale the building. So, there I was, trying to climb to the 10th floor.

The first steps were very difficult. I kept on falling. But soon, I got the feel of it and later on, I felt myself moving up. I was on the 7th floor when realization hit me. It seemed to me that no matter how much more I climb, the distance between me and the 10th floor doesn't seem to change. I still remain to be in the 7th floor. I was faced with two choices. Should I give up, let go and just hope that after my fall from the 7th floor, I'd somehow manage to survive? I will surely get hurt - a lot - but there's still a chance of survival. Or should I keep on climbing and hope against hope that I can somehow close the distance between me and the top floor? Wouldn’t that be akin to blindly reaching for something? And what if I exhaust myself before I succeed in closing the gap? I will fall and completely break myself... by then, would I even have the energy to pick myself up?

I woke up before I got to deciding between the two. Somehow, I understand the dream now... but I still don't know which choice to take.

What crossed my mind were even more questions: why did I decide to scale that building? Well, given I really wanted to scale, why, oh why, did I pick that building to scale? Why didn't I opt for something lower to start with? Or why didn't I just choose a building whose top floor doesn't move away?!?

...

I dreamt of flying

and of the thrill, awe, and excitement it gives

But no, I wasn't the one with the wings

I wasn't the one gliding through the clouds

I wasn't the one flying

for I am afraid of falling

I'm terrified of jumping

I'm afraid my wings won't flap

I fear all the uncertainties around me

Do I need to jump at a specific time?

Do I need to have a certain angle?

What if my calculations aren't correct?

What if the wind I'm counting on fails me?

Will I fall into oblivion?

I may never get to fly

For I am afraid of falling

And I am terrified of jumping

teleserye aftermath :D

Sa dami ng naghahanap ng tamang tao para sa kanila, sa dami ng naghihintay para matagpuan ang nakatadhana para sa kanila, paano kung nakita mo sya? Ano ang maaaring mag-udyok sa iyo na iwan sya?

Siya ang tamang para sa iyo. Pero paano kung hindi ikaw ang tama para sa kanya?

Siya ang nakatakda para sa iyo ngunit paano na kung hindi ikaw ang naitakda para sa kanya?

Alin ang mas tama? Ang magpatuloy sa piling ng isa't isa dahil sa sya ang tama sa iyo? O ang hayaan syang makasama ang tama para sa kanya?

Ano ang mas matimbang? Ang kaligayahan mo o ang kaligayahan nya?

Ano ang mas masakit? Ang di mo sya makasama o ang makitang hindi pa lubos ang kaligayahan nya?


La lang... narinig ko ung linya (paraphrase lang nung unang part) sa isang teleserye kagabi... napag-isip tuloy ako... :D Di ko na maalala kung anong teleserye e.. palipat-lipat kasi :D

Where is Happiness?

It is a known fact that we all want to be happy. But how exactly can you be happy if you don’t even have an inkling as to what could make you happy?

How can you say you’re happy? Could it be from how often you smile or laugh? But what if you’re just faking it? Can anyone tell you how you feel just basing on your aura? Or would any “observations” remain as they are: mere observations… not exactly true but relatively true (depends on how a person sees it)… If you say you’re happy just because you feel you’re happy… how sure are you that you really are happy and you’re not just convincing yourself to think and feel that way?

And if one isn’t happy, how can she gain that state? Where should she start looking? What should she start doing? And if she finds nothing, when should she start giving up? Why is happiness so elusive? Are we sure that each and every one of us is to have our own happy endings… or are some people destined to just be watching on the sidelines?

I look around me and I see smiling faces… my friends having a blast, my sister’s smile reaching her eyes, yet another sister looking proud as she played her latest composition, my mom and dad enclosed in each other’s embrace… and I knew, I just knew… I’m one of the watchers… Because even if I don’t exactly feel the same happiness they had, just seeing them with it made me feel I had even just a part of it. :)

Note:
Sorry… being cynical seems to be my past time lately. :)

Am I Lonely?

A friend told me that lately, I seem to be emitting a weird aura... as if something changed and no one can actually pinpoint what it is. He told me that I seem to be lonelier and more "subdued" (I don’t know exactly what he means but he was able to conclude this thru the short ym chats we occasionally have).

It made me wonder... have I really been lonelier? I can't really tell. Anyone, please… have I been really??

I know for a fact that I haven't been excessively happy the last few days, but does it actually translate to a worsening case of loneliness? And if indeed I am sadder than usual, why? I can't seem to find the reason why I could be more depressed. Nothing of much importance has happened... (my life is boring I know) and in fact, I gained new friends :) and I have achieved some of my minor (short-term) goals in life (and still in the process of getting more :P)... shouldn't I be happier?

The comment bugged me and made me reexamine my inner feelings… yes, I feel more tired than usual (I have no idea how it could be possible since my work load has decreased incredibly – compared to what I used to do in my previous company). Has it been showing in how I express myself?

So, I asked another friend. And she told me I seem to be in a state where “things seem to be stable”. Keyword: “seem”. I suppose it’s because I want it to be considered stable so I convince myself that it is…

Oh well...

realizations

Upon waking up yesterday morning, I went out to get fresh air and lo and behold! I was surprised to see that there were vines growing in the garden! Yes, I go home everyday but somehow (I don't exactly know how), I always overlook that part of the garden. This made me realize how I could probably be overlooking some other aspects of my life... and this is probably why I still can't let go of my angst and bitterness. (and right after I just posted my thank yous :P ironic...)

question

a friend asked me if like, love, and inspiration always go hand in hand. when you like / love someone, does he have to inspire you? and if you don't get inspired with that someone, does that mean you don't like / love him? (i know that if someone inspires you, it does not equal to you actually liking / loving that person :D i can say that a certain person's success inspired me to do something about my own life... it doesn't necessarily mean i love that person... he / she may just be some random individual i happen to look up to... i might not even know him / her personally :P)

it made me think ... and think... but i still can't figure it out. :P

any ideas? heheheh...

...

While waiting in line for the FX to MRT, I don't know what happened. I don't know why but out of nowhere, I thought of you... and I suddenly started crying...

When you left, I was devastated. I should've expected it. You said goodbye but I ignored it, thinking it was just one of your whims. And then you were gone...

You were my bestfriend, my confidante. You were always there to comfort me. Always ready to encourage me. We made promises. We dreamt of great things. (I'm trying to achieve them. I know you know that.) You taught me a lot of things in life and I will forever cherish them.

I miss you Lolo.

fade

You have loved him/her for so long, dreamt of things that could have been. But you've accepted that that's all they're going to be: dreams, a part of your make-believe world - a far cry from reality. You want to stop. But how?

How do you make IT fade? How do you tell yourself to stop when everything you do reminds you of him/her? How will you find someone else when you compare everyone to him/her? (when in fact, you know you shouldn't... s/he's not that great of a person anyway... s/he didn't see your worth :P) And for some weird reason, for you, they just don't seem to measure up...

How will you find your Wind when you're still clinging to Tree?

(*Wind and Tree were taken from an email sent to me before... I believe the title is something like "Love in 3 Perspectives" Tree, Leaf, Wind... don't know the writer though...)

complicated

Why does it have to be so complicated? You know how hard it is to get hurt, yet you unwillingly inflict the same pain to others... Why do we have to ignore the ones who adore us and adore the one who ignores us?

And when you finally decide to "give up", why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like you lost someone when in fact you never really "had" him/her?

You keep on telling yourself that someday you'll find the right one... one who'll appreciate your worth. But do "somedays" really come? What if the right one turns out to be one of those you chose to ignore? What then?

Complicated...

how?

Note: This should apply to both sexes but for the purpose of this post I'll just be using the pronouns he, his, and him. (It's too troublesome to always type he/she, his/her, him/her.) :P


How exactly do you know if someone likes you? How indeed? Should you observe him and his actions and reactions? Should you watch out for any differences in the way he treats you (compared to how he treats and acts around others)? If he "showers" you with attention (calls, texts, messages, the likes), does that mean you're special? Should you try and catch if he's stealing glances? Should you take his being chivalrous and gentlemanly as signs that he fancies you?

But what if all these things are normal to him? What if he's just being nice and by thinking he likes you, you're actually just fooling yourself? What if you're just pushing yourself further into a trap… one that is of unrequited love?

No matter what the "signs" are, one could never fully read another person's feelings. Emotions and the human heart are way, way more complex than even the most intricate books. They're simply designed to be confusing and unpredictable.

One should not make any assumptions (on just about anything) unless explicitly stated. You just don't know if you're right or wrong. And by the time you figure it out, you'd probably be too caught up in your make-believe world to face reality... or in too much of an agony in a hell you yourself built.

So, how do you tell if someone likes you? Simple... you can't.

que sera sera...?

"Happiness isn’t having what you want---it’s all about wanting what you have…"
Wow. I still can’t decide if I believe this or not.

But if you want something, you can work for it and thus by achieving it, you also obtain happiness, right? So does it mean there's no limit to the happiness one can have? That it all depends on how much effort one puts into getting what he / she wants? But why is it that there are times when no matter how hard you struggle, you still don't get what you want? Is there such a thing as predetermined future? If there is, then what's the point of trying and trying? If there is such a thing as destiny, and you're destined to fail, then regardless of your hard work, you're still doomed. Why even try??? Wouldn’t it make our lives pointless?

So, now, why are there people who seem to be “destined” to be alone? And why are there people who seem to have been born with all the luxury one could ask for… all the blessings one could be given (oh, the fortunate ones…)? Who decides who gets which destiny? Isn’t there anything we can do about it? (But if you believe in destiny, there’s nothing to do but accept it, right? Because it’s the “universe’s natural order”.) But how exactly do we know which of the things happening to us are destined to occur? How the heck would we know if we’re actually going against what’s predetermined for us?

Hmmm… Do I believe in destiny? I still don't know... I let it rule over my life for a long time… nothing happened. And I’m too much of a coward to try and go against it (that is, if I’m not actually destined to not do anything about it…).

Confusing! :)

graduate studies?

just got another friendster mail from sir lounell... he asked me why i kept on shifting from one company to another (3rd pa lang naman a :D --> mobot batchmates, applicable din daw question na ito sa inyo :D)... and told me to also consider pursuing graduate studies... it made me remember that i actually was intending to take a post-graduate degree... (mimi, game?) just haven't decided if i'd take ms ee, mba, or law. hmmm... yet another thing to think about...

happily-ever-afters

“And they lived happily ever after… The End.” Almost all fairytales end that way. After the hero or heroine (most of the time the latter) suffers, then comes his / her rewards… They usually come in the form of a prince for a husband (or a princess for Aladdin’s case), a kingdom to rule on and probably everything and anything he / she could wish for. But does it really end there?

Did the prince really love Sleeping Beauty considering she may be a century older than him (she’s probably older than his great grandmother! It may not show but still…)? Wouldn’t their beliefs clash (It’s been a hundred years… a lot must have changed)? How about Snow White? Would any sane girl willingly spend the rest of her life with a necrophile? He’d probably try and get her to eat another one of those blasted apples for all she knows… And Cinderella? Someone like her must have developed an obsessive compulsive nature and she just moved to a place probably ten (or more) times bigger… a palace! And how about her animal friends? Would they really be allowed inside?

Most of us have grown up watching Disney films and loving every character…wishing that someday we’ll have the same fates… (Of course we’re talking about the heroes and heroines who had their happily-ever-afters. Who’d want to end up like Malificent or the Evil Stepmother anyway?) But are they even close to what’s happening in real life? Or are we just fooling ourselves with the belief that everyone has a happy ending waiting for them? Say you found someone to spend the rest of your life with. Does it really end with the “I do”s? Of course not. Will everyone get a happy-ending? Probably not… Well, it depends on what you consider as “The End”.

fairytales

found one of my old files... written last nov 2006... here's an abridged version of it.

I’ve always loved fairytales… As a child, I even asked Santa for a book filled with fairytales… and I got it :) The notion of a prince coming to a girl’s rescue or of love conquering all obstacles just appeal to me… Or maybe that should be “appealed”… Yes, I am past that disillusioned state. Somewhere along my teenage years, I’ve gone from the girl going giddy over a silly tale to the very cynical person I am now. I always loved love stories… I still do. But now, I finally understand that those things, the knight-rescues-damsel-in-distress stuff and those happily ever afters, they don’t really happen in real life… at least not to me… They make good plots for books, stories, movies, but not in my world, not in my life…

I’m no princess… I know that. I’ve long ago given up the idea that a Prince Charming will come my way and instead resigned myself to the fate of being alone. You can’t blame me. I have waited long enough. Sure, the other fairytale princesses didn’t get to meet their princes right from the start… but that’s just it. They ARE princesses. I simply am not. It’s harder to wait for something, to hope or dream for someone when you know for a fact that there’s a very big chance he won’t come… Sure, Rapunzel waited long enough for her hair to grow that long and Sleeping Beauty waited a hundred years. But Rapunzel was stuck in a tower. She didn’t have an inkling of what was happening in the outer world. She didn’t get tormented with seeing the man she’s pining for chase another girl nor did she had the chance to attend a party and feel totally left-out. She didn’t have friends who constantly remind her of her loneliness (they may not really mean it… they might not even be aware of it). And Sleeping Beauty? Well, she was SLEEPING through the years of waiting!!! And the moment she woke up, there he was… already waiting for her! How convenient is that?!? And what about me? My prince probably got stuck in a labyrinth… doomed never to find his way out. Or worse, he could have found some other princess while he was on his quest to find me and he decided to go and have his ‘happily-ever-after’ with her… But no matter what I say, it still boils down to the question: Have I really accepted a life alone? Or am I just saying it to try and convince myself? I don’t know… I won’t be waiting for my prince to come knocking on my door… but I’ll still keep my half of the glass slipper just in case he did get to my part of the town and still has his half waiting for mine…