10th floor

I had a weird dream last night. I was scaling a 10-storey building. Yes, scaling... I know I could have just used the elevator, or even the stairs... but for some reason, I chose to scale the building. So, there I was, trying to climb to the 10th floor.

The first steps were very difficult. I kept on falling. But soon, I got the feel of it and later on, I felt myself moving up. I was on the 7th floor when realization hit me. It seemed to me that no matter how much more I climb, the distance between me and the 10th floor doesn't seem to change. I still remain to be in the 7th floor. I was faced with two choices. Should I give up, let go and just hope that after my fall from the 7th floor, I'd somehow manage to survive? I will surely get hurt - a lot - but there's still a chance of survival. Or should I keep on climbing and hope against hope that I can somehow close the distance between me and the top floor? Wouldn’t that be akin to blindly reaching for something? And what if I exhaust myself before I succeed in closing the gap? I will fall and completely break myself... by then, would I even have the energy to pick myself up?

I woke up before I got to deciding between the two. Somehow, I understand the dream now... but I still don't know which choice to take.

What crossed my mind were even more questions: why did I decide to scale that building? Well, given I really wanted to scale, why, oh why, did I pick that building to scale? Why didn't I opt for something lower to start with? Or why didn't I just choose a building whose top floor doesn't move away?!?

Hope - Agony - Dream ... update :D

(Disclaimer: To the Original Agony (you know who you are), no, you're not the 1st Agony I'm referring to here... neither are you the 2nd... besides, we haven't talked for quite some time now (and I know you still haven't gotten over your Dream... whether you admit it or not) :P ... but I also have other friends who, just like you, embody "Agony")

I just had another talk with Agony. He's over his Dream now and he just realized that Hope's always been there. I don't know what'll happen but I can only *hope* he'll get his new Dream. ;)

I talked to another friend and realized he's also Agony. He's blinded by his Dream... so much that he forgot about everything else around him. Now, he's slowly realizing the difference between reality and dreams... and that sometimes (okay, most of the times) we just really cannot have our Dreams... but we can still have the Hope to build new Dreams :)


Hope - Agony - Dream entry :)

Note: labo? hehehe oo malabo talaga :D

more questions...

If one has been waiting for quite a while and yet nothing happened, should she let go or keep on waiting?

How can one wait for someone or something she's not even sure will come? Why should she?

How can one keep on handing her life over to fate when she has already let it rule over it for some time and nothing came out of it?

How much disappointments can a person take?

How do you fix something when you don't have all the pieces needed?

How can one give her heart to someone who might not even take it?

How long can one hide behind a smile?

Smile! :)

I always smile.

I smile when I hear a good joke. I smile when I read a great book. I smile when I'm with my friends and family.

I smile when I'm happy. I smile when I'm contented. I smile when I'm delighted. I smile when I'm pleased.

I smile when I'm sad. I smile when I'm hurting. I smile when I'm depressed. I smile to hide the tears.

I always smile.

Hide and Seek

I'm good in hiding...

I'm sad but you won't notice it unless I tell you. I'm hurting but you won't know if I don't want you to.

I'm good in hiding but I simply suck at finding...

I can't read your meanings unless you state it directly. I can't understand your actions if you don't tell me explicitly.

I suck at finding... which is probably why I still haven't found you.

I'm good in hiding... Maybe that's why you still haven't found me too...

fade

You have loved him/her for so long, dreamt of things that could have been. But you've accepted that that's all they're going to be: dreams, a part of your make-believe world - a far cry from reality. You want to stop. But how?

How do you make IT fade? How do you tell yourself to stop when everything you do reminds you of him/her? How will you find someone else when you compare everyone to him/her? (when in fact, you know you shouldn't... s/he's not that great of a person anyway... s/he didn't see your worth :P) And for some weird reason, for you, they just don't seem to measure up...

How will you find your Wind when you're still clinging to Tree?

(*Wind and Tree were taken from an email sent to me before... I believe the title is something like "Love in 3 Perspectives" Tree, Leaf, Wind... don't know the writer though...)

Hope - Dream - Agony

Hope likes Agony... a lot. She's willing to do anything for him, always hoping he'll acknowledge her existence someday. He, however, disregards her all too quickly. He ignores her completely. After all, he has eyes only for Dream. She's everything he wants. For him, she's perfect... but he is to Dream as Hope is to him... nothing.

Why can't life be simple? Why can't Dream be Hope so that Agony won't be in, yes, agony? If everyone really has a choice, wouldn't it be easier if Agony just goes and chooses Hope? Wouldn't it make him happier? But alas, for him, the only way to happiness is in Dream's arms. But he couldn't have that now, could he? Because as her name states, she will only be a dream to him... someone he yearns for but could never have. He wants to let go and move on but he simply can't. He's lost without her. Without Dream, he feels empty, void. And he hates that feeling, loathes it even. However, he can't reach out to her... afraid that if he does, she'll leave his side completely, abandoning him in the darkness. And if he loses his light, he might lose any chance he has of ever getting out of the chaotic maze he submerged himself in.

Perhaps he could find his way out with Hope's help... but she's not bright enough for him. Her light is nothing compared to Dream's.

He knows she's hurting. He's the one causing her pain... the same ones Dream's mere presence caused him. He is Hope's Dream... torturing her with his every action. Yet, she still keeps on holding onto him... so he does the same... hoping that someday, she'll get him out of his misery.

For he, himself, knows the painful truth: He'll never have her because she's a dream that's way beyond Agony’s reach...

happily-ever-afters

“And they lived happily ever after… The End.” Almost all fairytales end that way. After the hero or heroine (most of the time the latter) suffers, then comes his / her rewards… They usually come in the form of a prince for a husband (or a princess for Aladdin’s case), a kingdom to rule on and probably everything and anything he / she could wish for. But does it really end there?

Did the prince really love Sleeping Beauty considering she may be a century older than him (she’s probably older than his great grandmother! It may not show but still…)? Wouldn’t their beliefs clash (It’s been a hundred years… a lot must have changed)? How about Snow White? Would any sane girl willingly spend the rest of her life with a necrophile? He’d probably try and get her to eat another one of those blasted apples for all she knows… And Cinderella? Someone like her must have developed an obsessive compulsive nature and she just moved to a place probably ten (or more) times bigger… a palace! And how about her animal friends? Would they really be allowed inside?

Most of us have grown up watching Disney films and loving every character…wishing that someday we’ll have the same fates… (Of course we’re talking about the heroes and heroines who had their happily-ever-afters. Who’d want to end up like Malificent or the Evil Stepmother anyway?) But are they even close to what’s happening in real life? Or are we just fooling ourselves with the belief that everyone has a happy ending waiting for them? Say you found someone to spend the rest of your life with. Does it really end with the “I do”s? Of course not. Will everyone get a happy-ending? Probably not… Well, it depends on what you consider as “The End”.

fairytales

found one of my old files... written last nov 2006... here's an abridged version of it.

I’ve always loved fairytales… As a child, I even asked Santa for a book filled with fairytales… and I got it :) The notion of a prince coming to a girl’s rescue or of love conquering all obstacles just appeal to me… Or maybe that should be “appealed”… Yes, I am past that disillusioned state. Somewhere along my teenage years, I’ve gone from the girl going giddy over a silly tale to the very cynical person I am now. I always loved love stories… I still do. But now, I finally understand that those things, the knight-rescues-damsel-in-distress stuff and those happily ever afters, they don’t really happen in real life… at least not to me… They make good plots for books, stories, movies, but not in my world, not in my life…

I’m no princess… I know that. I’ve long ago given up the idea that a Prince Charming will come my way and instead resigned myself to the fate of being alone. You can’t blame me. I have waited long enough. Sure, the other fairytale princesses didn’t get to meet their princes right from the start… but that’s just it. They ARE princesses. I simply am not. It’s harder to wait for something, to hope or dream for someone when you know for a fact that there’s a very big chance he won’t come… Sure, Rapunzel waited long enough for her hair to grow that long and Sleeping Beauty waited a hundred years. But Rapunzel was stuck in a tower. She didn’t have an inkling of what was happening in the outer world. She didn’t get tormented with seeing the man she’s pining for chase another girl nor did she had the chance to attend a party and feel totally left-out. She didn’t have friends who constantly remind her of her loneliness (they may not really mean it… they might not even be aware of it). And Sleeping Beauty? Well, she was SLEEPING through the years of waiting!!! And the moment she woke up, there he was… already waiting for her! How convenient is that?!? And what about me? My prince probably got stuck in a labyrinth… doomed never to find his way out. Or worse, he could have found some other princess while he was on his quest to find me and he decided to go and have his ‘happily-ever-after’ with her… But no matter what I say, it still boils down to the question: Have I really accepted a life alone? Or am I just saying it to try and convince myself? I don’t know… I won’t be waiting for my prince to come knocking on my door… but I’ll still keep my half of the glass slipper just in case he did get to my part of the town and still has his half waiting for mine…