Flight

As promised, poem #2 rewritten... (formerly titled: "...") - click here to access the old version. :)

I dreamt of flying
and of the thrill, awe, and excitement it gives

But no, I wasn't the one with the wings
I wasn't the one gliding through the clouds
I wasn't the one flying
for I am afraid of falling

I'm terrified of jumping
I'm afraid my wings won't flap
I fear all the uncertainties around me

Do I need to jump at a specific time?
Do I need to have a certain angle?
What if my calculations aren't correct?
What if the wind I'm counting on fails me?
Will I fall into oblivion?

I may never get to fly
For I am afraid of falling
And I am terrified of jumping...

But then he came
He encouraged me to jump
And told me he'd be there to catch me

So I did.
I didn't fall.

I flew.
I am flying.
And I will keep on flying
For as long as I can...
For as long as he is here flying with me...

Rewritten with happy thoughts :)

It's been three years since I've last updated this blog... and a lot of things have happened. I intend to try rewriting some of my poems / lit files with a new flavor - one of happiness... :) First one would be an untitled one which I would be giving a title for this version (please click here to go to the old version):)

Dreams

Once I dreamt of flying high
And being able to touch the sky
Then I dreamt of corals rare
That their beauty in my eyes they'll bare

I also dreamt of flowers in bloom
Serenading me with all sorts of tunes
(I then dreamt of a snow in June
Caressing me once in a blue moon)

Then I dreamt of having you
And now it's all coming true...

Conqueror of dreams, we thank thee
For helping us see and do what needs be
And now that we finally have each other
We'll start living our own "happily-ever-after"...

10th floor

I had a weird dream last night. I was scaling a 10-storey building. Yes, scaling... I know I could have just used the elevator, or even the stairs... but for some reason, I chose to scale the building. So, there I was, trying to climb to the 10th floor.

The first steps were very difficult. I kept on falling. But soon, I got the feel of it and later on, I felt myself moving up. I was on the 7th floor when realization hit me. It seemed to me that no matter how much more I climb, the distance between me and the 10th floor doesn't seem to change. I still remain to be in the 7th floor. I was faced with two choices. Should I give up, let go and just hope that after my fall from the 7th floor, I'd somehow manage to survive? I will surely get hurt - a lot - but there's still a chance of survival. Or should I keep on climbing and hope against hope that I can somehow close the distance between me and the top floor? Wouldn’t that be akin to blindly reaching for something? And what if I exhaust myself before I succeed in closing the gap? I will fall and completely break myself... by then, would I even have the energy to pick myself up?

I woke up before I got to deciding between the two. Somehow, I understand the dream now... but I still don't know which choice to take.

What crossed my mind were even more questions: why did I decide to scale that building? Well, given I really wanted to scale, why, oh why, did I pick that building to scale? Why didn't I opt for something lower to start with? Or why didn't I just choose a building whose top floor doesn't move away?!?

...

I dreamt of flying

and of the thrill, awe, and excitement it gives

But no, I wasn't the one with the wings

I wasn't the one gliding through the clouds

I wasn't the one flying

for I am afraid of falling

I'm terrified of jumping

I'm afraid my wings won't flap

I fear all the uncertainties around me

Do I need to jump at a specific time?

Do I need to have a certain angle?

What if my calculations aren't correct?

What if the wind I'm counting on fails me?

Will I fall into oblivion?

I may never get to fly

For I am afraid of falling

And I am terrified of jumping

Lesson from the White Queen :)

wishful thinkings

helpless beings

an imaginary world in

the actuality that is reality

almost but not quite

real but imagined

everything and nothing

yearnings

options

understandings

what could have beens

and what ifs

in a blink of an eye

things could change

in a blink of an eye

nothing can be everything and everything can be nothing

gather up the courage to dive

for implicit statements may tell something... but not exactly everything

open to the possibility of the impossible

red... orange... green

what are you waiting for?

P.S. Started out with one line.. e ayaw umalis sa utak ko nun line, ayan hahahaha!!! :))

Introducing Delusion :)

It is unfortunate that Delusion is not tall, dark and handsome. He is merely very tall, very dark and very handsome... but of course, this is also according to him :P

Delusion is a being with a world of his own. :) He is a man of few words... very few words... but numerous talents. I've known him for almost a decade now and I can attest to his genius :) (He can draw; He can write; He solves software and hardware problems like he's munching on some snacks! :D)... He has complete control and understanding of everything around him. For him, everything centers on him and him alone... but mind you, he isn't egotistic... just in certain aspects of his life :P

Miss Construed is a naturally sociable person. She has no problems dealing with all sorts of personalities.

Delusion fancies Miss Construed... a lot. Though he never admits it out loud, it is very eminent in how he talks about her all the time and how her every action affects him. But of course, only a few friends know this (those few friends have now probably doubled due to this post ... that is, if they realize who Delusion is :P). And Delusion, being true to his name, and loyal to his projected image, insists on the opposite...

In his world, Miss Construed is head-over-heels in love with him. She'd do anything to be near him. And now, their unexpected temporary separation is driving him nuts :D...

Delusion still can't admit (even to himself) his true feelings.. or probably, he, himself, isn't aware of it yet (fine, let's give him the benefit of the doubt:P). So he tries (stress on the word "tries") to divert his attention to other people... Miss FX, Miss Badminton, and Miss (es) ... nevermind :P (pardon the lack of creativity; I just don't know them well enough to know their names ... and since they're not Miss Construed, they only comprise around 10% (combined) of Delusion's stories :D) Stories of Delusion's interactions with them to follow (depending on how he'll react to this :P)

I've tried (unsuccessfully though) to make Delusion realize how he really feels towards Miss Construed and act before he loses the chance to do so. But he's very stubborn and he just won't listen to any other views (Yes Delusion, you are as stubborn as a mule! :P) Hopefully, those who know who Delusion is will help me convince him to take action ... fast! (or as suggested by a mutually close friend, at least before you go... *clues on Delusion's identity here!!!*) :P

So Delusion, get ready... your equally-stubborn friends will start badgering you :)

feb14.txt

yet another product of boredom... i know this is way way overdue... just had enough idle time to browse my misc folder and found feb14.txt :) hehehe...

from a friend's chatlogs (can't use friend's name... as per friend's request... sana maalala nya pa na sya nagsbai nyan hehe :P) :

friend: oh.. i dunno
friend: isa akong bato ngayon eh
friend: or puno
friend: walang pakiramdam
friend: sumasabay lang sa ihip ng hangin
friend: kuntento na sa onting dilig at sikat ng araw
friend: actually pwede mo na gawan ng tula yan

so pano ba itutuloy? hmm...

isa akong bato ngayon
o puno
walang pakiramdam
sumasabay lang sa ihip ng hangin
kuntento na sa konting dilig at sikat ng araw
walang iniindang sakit o dalamhati
di alintana ang lamig o init
nagmamatyag
at walang imik
nakikiramdam
kahit manhid
tuloy lang sa pagmamasid
sa paghihintay
di kikibo
di gagalaw
tuloy lang...

1

Isang tanong na nagwakas sa simula...
Tuloy?
Isang sagot na nagsimula sa wakas...
Oo.

Bakit?
Kasi...
Bakit?
Ganun.
Bakit?
Basta...

Isa-isa
Pira-piraso
Unti-unti
Umaalis
Nawawala
Sila.
Kayo.
Ako.

mi soliloquio

"Smile and the world smiles with you; weep and you weep alone..."

Someone once told me this, and it has stuck to me since...

But sometimes, smiling just won't do any good...

Stop hiding. Cry your eyes out if you need to...

Drop the act and let go. Give up your mask for even just a second...

Then after that, you can try smiling once again...

:)

teleserye aftermath :D

Sa dami ng naghahanap ng tamang tao para sa kanila, sa dami ng naghihintay para matagpuan ang nakatadhana para sa kanila, paano kung nakita mo sya? Ano ang maaaring mag-udyok sa iyo na iwan sya?

Siya ang tamang para sa iyo. Pero paano kung hindi ikaw ang tama para sa kanya?

Siya ang nakatakda para sa iyo ngunit paano na kung hindi ikaw ang naitakda para sa kanya?

Alin ang mas tama? Ang magpatuloy sa piling ng isa't isa dahil sa sya ang tama sa iyo? O ang hayaan syang makasama ang tama para sa kanya?

Ano ang mas matimbang? Ang kaligayahan mo o ang kaligayahan nya?

Ano ang mas masakit? Ang di mo sya makasama o ang makitang hindi pa lubos ang kaligayahan nya?


La lang... narinig ko ung linya (paraphrase lang nung unang part) sa isang teleserye kagabi... napag-isip tuloy ako... :D Di ko na maalala kung anong teleserye e.. palipat-lipat kasi :D

Three Nights

bakit ba kasi kailangan pang tawirin ang linyang yan? di ba pwedeng mamalagi na lang sa bahagi kong ito ng mundo?

at sino bang nagsabing madali lang makarating sa kabila? mapapalad ang mga nagkaroon ng pagkakataong makatawid... di gaya ko... wala akong lakas ng loob na suungin ang mga harang... di ko kayang humakbang papalapit nang walang pag-aalinlangan...

ilang linya ang kailangang tawirin para makamtan ang diumano'y "minimithing kaligayahan" - yung tinatawag nilang tagumpay? di ba maaaring dito na lang ako? hindi raw... di daw matatapos hangga't di ako tumatawid... o sumusubok man lang...

ang hirap... may tumulak man sa akin at giyahan ako papalapit sa linya, wala pa ring kasiguruhang hindi ako maiipit ng harang...

ayun na! may tumulak na nga! napasadsad ako palapit sa linya... iwas, iwas, takbo!

taya!

sabi ko na, sa huli ako pa rin ang talo...




Note: hango po ito sa text message na:
"It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at it for the rest of your life... rules of patintero"

Three Nights is the English term for Patintero according to this site:
http://www.seasite.niu.edu./Tagalog/Filipino_Games/mga_larong_pilipino.htm


ahehehe :)

more questions...

If one has been waiting for quite a while and yet nothing happened, should she let go or keep on waiting?

How can one wait for someone or something she's not even sure will come? Why should she?

How can one keep on handing her life over to fate when she has already let it rule over it for some time and nothing came out of it?

How much disappointments can a person take?

How do you fix something when you don't have all the pieces needed?

How can one give her heart to someone who might not even take it?

How long can one hide behind a smile?

Smile! :)

I always smile.

I smile when I hear a good joke. I smile when I read a great book. I smile when I'm with my friends and family.

I smile when I'm happy. I smile when I'm contented. I smile when I'm delighted. I smile when I'm pleased.

I smile when I'm sad. I smile when I'm hurting. I smile when I'm depressed. I smile to hide the tears.

I always smile.

Hide and Seek

I'm good in hiding...

I'm sad but you won't notice it unless I tell you. I'm hurting but you won't know if I don't want you to.

I'm good in hiding but I simply suck at finding...

I can't read your meanings unless you state it directly. I can't understand your actions if you don't tell me explicitly.

I suck at finding... which is probably why I still haven't found you.

I'm good in hiding... Maybe that's why you still haven't found me too...

Where is Happiness?

It is a known fact that we all want to be happy. But how exactly can you be happy if you don’t even have an inkling as to what could make you happy?

How can you say you’re happy? Could it be from how often you smile or laugh? But what if you’re just faking it? Can anyone tell you how you feel just basing on your aura? Or would any “observations” remain as they are: mere observations… not exactly true but relatively true (depends on how a person sees it)… If you say you’re happy just because you feel you’re happy… how sure are you that you really are happy and you’re not just convincing yourself to think and feel that way?

And if one isn’t happy, how can she gain that state? Where should she start looking? What should she start doing? And if she finds nothing, when should she start giving up? Why is happiness so elusive? Are we sure that each and every one of us is to have our own happy endings… or are some people destined to just be watching on the sidelines?

I look around me and I see smiling faces… my friends having a blast, my sister’s smile reaching her eyes, yet another sister looking proud as she played her latest composition, my mom and dad enclosed in each other’s embrace… and I knew, I just knew… I’m one of the watchers… Because even if I don’t exactly feel the same happiness they had, just seeing them with it made me feel I had even just a part of it. :)

Note:
Sorry… being cynical seems to be my past time lately. :)

...

While waiting in line for the FX to MRT, I don't know what happened. I don't know why but out of nowhere, I thought of you... and I suddenly started crying...

When you left, I was devastated. I should've expected it. You said goodbye but I ignored it, thinking it was just one of your whims. And then you were gone...

You were my bestfriend, my confidante. You were always there to comfort me. Always ready to encourage me. We made promises. We dreamt of great things. (I'm trying to achieve them. I know you know that.) You taught me a lot of things in life and I will forever cherish them.

I miss you Lolo.

fade

You have loved him/her for so long, dreamt of things that could have been. But you've accepted that that's all they're going to be: dreams, a part of your make-believe world - a far cry from reality. You want to stop. But how?

How do you make IT fade? How do you tell yourself to stop when everything you do reminds you of him/her? How will you find someone else when you compare everyone to him/her? (when in fact, you know you shouldn't... s/he's not that great of a person anyway... s/he didn't see your worth :P) And for some weird reason, for you, they just don't seem to measure up...

How will you find your Wind when you're still clinging to Tree?

(*Wind and Tree were taken from an email sent to me before... I believe the title is something like "Love in 3 Perspectives" Tree, Leaf, Wind... don't know the writer though...)

complicated

Why does it have to be so complicated? You know how hard it is to get hurt, yet you unwillingly inflict the same pain to others... Why do we have to ignore the ones who adore us and adore the one who ignores us?

And when you finally decide to "give up", why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like you lost someone when in fact you never really "had" him/her?

You keep on telling yourself that someday you'll find the right one... one who'll appreciate your worth. But do "somedays" really come? What if the right one turns out to be one of those you chose to ignore? What then?

Complicated...

titles?

ok.. just found my computer file of poems and my notebook of poems and essays... found out that most (if not all :P) of my works are untitled... (and i placed untitled1, untitled2,...) i'll post some here (those that aren't too personal... heheheh...) and if you have any ideas, title suggestions are most welcome :D

1)

Once I dreamt of flying high
And being able to touch the sky
Then I dreamt of corals rare
That their beauty in my eyes they'll bare

I also dreamt of flowers in bloom
Serenading me with all sorts of tunes
(I then dreamt of a snow in June
Caressing me once in a blue moon)

Then I dreamt of having you
And I knew they won't come true...

Conqueror of dreams, take over me
Spare me the misery and the agony
Of knowing my dreams will never be
For I am just another me...

2)

The audience silently applauded
as the curtains drew to a close
The spotlight slowly faded
as the actors parted ways

Go on, unmask yourself
the show is over
the masquerade has finally ended...

Hope - Dream - Agony

Hope likes Agony... a lot. She's willing to do anything for him, always hoping he'll acknowledge her existence someday. He, however, disregards her all too quickly. He ignores her completely. After all, he has eyes only for Dream. She's everything he wants. For him, she's perfect... but he is to Dream as Hope is to him... nothing.

Why can't life be simple? Why can't Dream be Hope so that Agony won't be in, yes, agony? If everyone really has a choice, wouldn't it be easier if Agony just goes and chooses Hope? Wouldn't it make him happier? But alas, for him, the only way to happiness is in Dream's arms. But he couldn't have that now, could he? Because as her name states, she will only be a dream to him... someone he yearns for but could never have. He wants to let go and move on but he simply can't. He's lost without her. Without Dream, he feels empty, void. And he hates that feeling, loathes it even. However, he can't reach out to her... afraid that if he does, she'll leave his side completely, abandoning him in the darkness. And if he loses his light, he might lose any chance he has of ever getting out of the chaotic maze he submerged himself in.

Perhaps he could find his way out with Hope's help... but she's not bright enough for him. Her light is nothing compared to Dream's.

He knows she's hurting. He's the one causing her pain... the same ones Dream's mere presence caused him. He is Hope's Dream... torturing her with his every action. Yet, she still keeps on holding onto him... so he does the same... hoping that someday, she'll get him out of his misery.

For he, himself, knows the painful truth: He'll never have her because she's a dream that's way beyond Agony’s reach...